If you were hoping to shell out almost a million dollars on what we’re confident may be the ugliest bathing suit of all time, Australian jewelry designer Ann Middleton has created the perfect fashion disaster for you.
The suit comes adorned with over 220 diamonds and pearls, which balances a horrifying cut out/string situation. Middleton left no (gem) stone unturned (forgive me) in the making of what I’m now calling a visual assault, claiming that ”[h]undreds of hours went into creating the swimsuit and we used as many Australian gems and pearls as possible.” Because a white swimsuit isn’t attention-grabby enough, let’s just throw a whole ton of nautical knots and glitter on there, too. There is only one person in the world who could love this abomination, and that is newly minted feminist icon Courtney Stodden, of course.
The reviews are in from The Gloss staff, and we mostly can’t get our heads around this monstrosity. Liz doubts the integrity of Middleton’s craftsmanship, saying “[t]hat bathing suit took 100s of hours? Were they sewing while high? Hundreds of hours my ass.” I’m inclined to agree, since once I cut up a t-shirt, tied a bunch of knots up the sides, and bedazzled it, and did it all in less than an hour. She added “It looks like something your bitchy frenemy would wear to get married in.”
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Joanna pointed out that the swimsuit looks like “when floss gets tangled around your fingers, except on a woman’s abdomen. And inspired by a Prince song,” and Frances assessed the garment with her trademark incisiveness: “It looks like the show Dynasty and a bondage film had a love child.” Both assessment are on point. The swimsuit’s unique blend of trashiness, complicated knots, and embarrassing opulence does have a certain whip-wielding, feathered hair effect. It looks like something that the trashiest Jersey Shore cast member would call “tacky.”
You can see more photos over at The Daily Mail, and get ready to make an addition to your Christmas list: the almost $1 million, jewel-encrusted, tacky and horrendous WHITE swimsuit, for the rhinestone aficionado who has everything.
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